Once or twice a week for the last couple of months, I have gotten an appeal from the Republican National Committee to renew my (non-existent) membership. I’ve decided to transcribe the latest letter, with my own annotations (in italics)…
Dear Friend, [How sweet of you to refer to me thus, but I don’t believe we’ve met.]
I don’t want to beleve you’ve abandoned the Republican Party, but I have to ask…Have you given up? [Abandonment implies a prior relationship. I gave up on the Republicans when they aligned themselves with theocrats. Around the time of Ronald Reagan.]
Our records show we have not yet received you Republican National Committee membership renewal for the critical 2008 presidential election year. [Don’t hold your breath.]
As the Treasurer of the RNC, I know our Party’s success depends directly on grassroots leaders like you. [You’d really better hope not, or you’re screwed.]
So I am surprised and concerned especially because I know how generously you supported President Bush and the RNC in the past. You helped to advance our vision for America and elect Republicans at all levels of government. [I have never, in 25 years of voting, supported a Republican for any office. Then again, I have lived in states with some of the most extreme and vile of the Party’s wing nuts (the “mainstream” of today’s party, sadly). Had I lived in the right place, I could have voted for a reasonable GOP candidate. Let’s see… Jim Jeffords (you drove him out), Christine Todd Whitman (left the Bush EPA in frustration), Lincoln Chafee (defeated because of the executive and legislative incompetence of his fellow Republicans), or one of the Senators from Maine (bless their hearts, still trying to fix the Party from within–best of luck to them, but I think it’s a losing battle).]
I know other things come up, and perhaps you’ve just been delayed in renewing your membership. If that’s the case, I understand. [At the rate you’re going, the delay will last just a wee bit longer. Check back for the 2020 election season, and I’ll think about it again.]
But we’ve not heard from you this year–and I hope you haven’t deserted our Party. [Again, you use a word that implies a prior relationship. Facts are your friends. Oh, wait, you’re a Republican. Facts are the enemy. Bummer for you.]
Your generous financial assistance and active involvement are more important than ever as we work to elect a new Republican president and Congress. [Again, if you’re depending on *my* support, you’re screwed.]
There is so much at stake. The Democrats are determined to put a liberal like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama in the White House, expand their narrow majorities in the U.S. House and Senate, and push our countyr to the Left with their agenda of high taxes, big government and wekeed national security. [May it come to pass speedily, in our day. Truly, the Democrats are suffering from an embarrassment of riches with our candidates this year. Even the ones who dropped out were far superior to any of your lot. Mike Gravel would be a far better president than GWB (who admittedly has set the bar pretty low).]
Big Labor, radical liberal protest groups and Hollywood elites are planning to spend more than $50 million to defeat Republicans and aid the Democrat power grab. [Which would be so much worse than Big Oil, radical fundamentalist protest groups (Fred Phelps, anyone), and Mel Gibson, right?]
The RNC relies on the voluntary support of Republican activists like you. [You really are screwed then.]
That’s why I urgently need you to renew your RNC membership for 2008 with a contribution of $25, $50 or even $100. [Thanks for reminding me to send in my pledge to the DNC.]
The men and women who will represent us in this year’s elections are hard at work building strong campaigns. [Hope they’re keeping their resumes polished for afterwards.]
And so is the RNC. We are doing our part to provide the research, staff support, voter registration, volunteer recruitment and training, and direct financial assistance our candidates need to win. [You might try letting them run as Independents this year. They might have better luck.]
The RNC is also the ONLY Republican organization permitted by federal law to directly support our presidential nominee. [But you do have the Swift Boaters for a really nasty backup plan.]
If we fail to hold the White House and make gains in Congress, the Democrats have made clear they will overturn every reform you helped President Bush achieve. [Which reforms? Making torture legal? Holding citizens without charges for years? Spying on the people? Subverting the power of the Legislature (which you controlled for most of his term, BTW) through signing statements? Cutting taxes on the rich, while cutting services to the poor? Hampering scientific research in the name of sectarian religious ideals? I’m wracking my brains trying to think of something I want to keep.]
Democrat presidential candidates and the Reid/Pelosi-run-Congress have promised to repeal the Bush tax cuts, retreat from the War on Terror and increase the size of government through their one-size-fits-all health care plan. [God forbid that everyone should have health insurance, thus spreading the risk. Remember, the mainstream Democratic candidates aren’t advocating single-payer or socialized medicine. They just want everyone to be covered. By private insurers. Not ideal, but better than the uninsured going bankrupt and having the taxpayers cover all their medical bills (because that reduces the size of government, uh-huh).]
We cannot allow them to succeed! That’s why your renewed commitment is so important. [I agree with you, if you replace “succeed” with “fail”, and add “to the Democrats” after the word committment.]
So if you have delayed in renewing your membership because you feel the RNC has let you down, or no longer needs you, please let me know. I want to hear from you. [Will this post do?]
Just include your comments and suggestions with the enclosed Membership Confirmation and return them with your 2008 membership renewal check. You can also renew by calling [Number deleted] or via our secure website at [Link deleted].
[I think I’ll just post some snarky comments on the Internet.]
But please don’t turn your back on our Republican candidates running for office from the Courthouse to the White House: They are counting on your support. Renew your RNC membership today. Thank you. [When the Republicans can return to some sensible middle ground on issues, I will turn around partway to face them without a look of disdain on my face. Until then, enjoy the view of my shoulder blades.]
Sincerely,
Tim Morgan
RNC Treasurer